“It is only with true love and compassion that we can begin to mend what is broken in the world. It is these two blessed things that can begin to heal all broken hearts.”
I had a friend once tell me when I was going through a painful breakup that I just needed to get a theme song. This was some of the most helpful advice that I ever received because then I had the music to guide me through what I needed. I chose the song, I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor. I sang the song every time that I felt horrible it made me smile it gave me hope. Here are five more ways to help you to survive and thrive through your breakup:
1) Let go the full responsibility for the relationship.
Remember in a relationship there are always two people who do a dance. When a breakup happens each person has a part. When someone takes on the full responsibility for the breakup they are doing a disservice to them and the relationship. When you believe that the break up is because of you it allows you to wallow in self pity and self hatred which is not helpful for anyone. The same thing is true when you blame the other person for everything. It is important to see your part even if the person was very difficult. Most of the time we take one of these stances because then we can place the blame on something so that we can avoid mourning the loss of the relationship. Mourning is important and necessary to move on and let go.
2) Mourn the loss.
This is a difficult step because this requires you showing up for yourself and your feelings leaning into the uncomfortably of loss. Most humans avoid this emotion like the plague. Loss is painful. Scientist have actually found that their are physical aspects to a having heartache and loss. The reason that one experiences physical pain in the heart region is that it actually reduces blood flow to the anterior cingulate cortex which regulates pain.
Mourning is necessary to let go of the old patterns and relationships. The saying get under someone to get over some one is not the best idea. Then you are just adding to the pile of losses that go unmourned which makes it even more painful the next time that you experience loss.
Taking time to mend you broken heart go through the stages of grief and loss. These are the same as the ones that those are dying go through, these were first discussed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. For heart break they can be extended to seven emotional stages of grief are usually understood to be shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope. Symptoms of grief can be emotional, physical, social, or religious in nature (medicine.net). These stages are no linear and can reoccur. Some people experience loss for months and others years.
Please take the time that you need.
“A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
A time to lose; A time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace”
3) See the relationship for what it was.
This step requires us to see the good, the bad and the ugly of the relationship. This is part of the mourning process. When we can view a relationship as a learning experience and a gift in showing us what does not work for us. When we do a review of our old relationship we can enjoy the loving kinds parts of it. See what did not work and what we do not want in our lives again. Making a list of the assets and negative aspects can be helpful to gain clarity about the relationship. This can help us to make a template for future relationships for what we want and are looking for in a partner when we decide we are ready to give love a try again.
“Love is hard to find, hard to keep, and hard to forget.”
4) Find yourself as an individual again.
When one is in a relationship sometimes it feels like you may loose yourself in this relationship and forget what makes you happy and what you enjoy. Now that you are reassessing your life after this change it is a great time to nurture yourself and find what makes your heart sing.
As a way of mending your broken heart and finding your bearings again one needs to remember what used to bring them pleasure. Try new things, take a class, learn to cook, take up an old hobby again and practice self care. Learning who you are and enjoying your own company is the best gift that you may receive from a breakup. Take yourself on dates to places that you have always wanted to go, treat yourself with love, kindness and understanding so that when your heart does mend you do not settle for anything less than being adored. This is where the healing takes place, when you fall in love with yourself, see the gift that you are to the world and see your intrinsic value.
5) Reach out to your community/ support network
Ask for help from your friends be honest about how you are doing and what you need. This step is crucial to your healing process. Speak about your fears, your insecurities and be honest about what the relationship was really like so that your can gain clarity about the break up. Allow your friends to see your pain, your mistakes and your guts and love you anyways. Being vulnerable is part of healing, although it is not pretty and it is messy it is where we gain our strength to continue on. Reaching out for help is necessary in the process of healing so that you can let go, practice contrary action of wanting to crawling into a ball and isolate. Even when you are in pain you deserve and need to be loved. Allow your friends to lift your spirits and help you to see that you are a beautiful flower that has wilted from a lack of watering, love and oxygen. Remember you do not have to protect your ex. Silence= death, tell the truth and be set free.
How do you deal with breakups? Do you need more help processing your break up and need professional help? Please feel free to contact me: firstname.lastname@example.org or 323.515.2278. Please leave your comments below. And have beautiful and blessed week.
Pain of a broken heart– Image by Dennis Skley